Terrible Sounds | …because people don’t know crap when they hear it.

BMG music group has announced that Whitney Houston will start recording tracks for her first new album in six years, to be released around the 2008 holiday season.  In response to the news, drug addicts in the Los Angeles area have started buying hundreds of pounds of crack cocaine in preperation for the anticipated decrease in supply once Houston gets back in the studio.

Honestly though, where the hell did this come from?  Like anyone has really been saying “Wow, pop/r&b music has really been lackluster lately.  I really wish Whitney Houston would release some new music.”  She has been in hiding in her drug house for so long now, we’ve forgotten about her, and the world has continued to turn quite effectively.  Mary J. Blige and Alicia Keys have done a more then fine job taking her place, so we don’t need her anymore.

Why can’t some people just stay gone?  Why do some people feel the need to do comebacks?  I mean, the Police reunion was awesome, because there was a whole bunch more that the band could have done if they continued on instead of breaking up.  The same goes for the recently halted Diamond David Lee Roth-era Van Halen reunion.  But I don’t think the same could be said for Mrs. Houston, nor the totally unnecessary Spice Girls world tour that mercifully stopped after only two continents.  Can’t people just stay out of the lime light after their careers die?  Or at least untill Behind The Music comes knocking at their door?

But what makes it even crazier is a quote from Akon, who has been tapped to produce a couple tracks for the album.  “The voice is there; I don’t think anyone could ever take that from her. As long as we apply that voice to hit records, she’ll be right back where she left off.”

For anyone not clear on the music world lingo, let me translate that for you:  We still think we can make money off of her. However we realize that she is in no state to write her own music, so we will have other people write the songs for her and just have her sing the lyrics in between her hits on the crack pipe.

So adding in Amy Winehouse’s anticipated holiday record, that brings the “Crack-fueled stocking stuffer albums” count up to two.  I can already tell it’s going to be a great holiday season for music this year.

In “Right Outcome, Wrong Reasons” news, Lou Pearlman, the man who created N’Sync and the Backstreet Boys, is facing up to $1 million in fines and up to 25 years in prison after pleading gulty to federal charges.  However, the charges have nothing to do with Pearlman unleashing N’Sync and the Backstreet Boys upon the world.  I am sure that if we could actually charge him with those crimes, the death sentence would be only too good for him.

He is actually charged with conspiracy, money laundering, and lying in federal court during bankrupcy procedings.  Apparently, the fat grubby bastard has been swindeling investors and banks for the past several years to the tune of over $300 million.

Now normally, I would side with the people that have been cheated out of their rightfully deserved money, but some of the details of the case seem a bit absurd.  For example, Pearlman’s airline company, Transcontinental Airlines, was reporting that they owned 41 planes.  They actually owned only two.  You’d think that the bank could send someone down to the hanger and just count the planes.  I mean, they’re fucking planes!  I bet you that when the banks asked him where the other planes were, the bastard patted his pockets and said “Golly gee guys, I must have left them at home in my spare hangar.”  And it gets worse!  Pearlman admitted to using the signature of Harry Milner on investments, so when the banks and investors came to Pearlman looking to be paid, he directed them to Milner.  The problem lies in the facts that Milner stopped doing business with Pearlman in 1989, and that Milner stopped doing business with anyone in 2003 when HE DIED!!!!!  Pearlman actually signed a dead man’s name on his paperwork to avoid paying people back. 

Fuck!  A Baby!  With a chainsaw!

This man must have balls the size of Gary Coleman to even think up scams like this, yet alone actually putting them to use.  It would all be brilliant if it wasn’t so insane and downright evil.  I wouldn’t be supprised if he becomes a new bond villian.

The good thing is, he realized that the gig was up, and plead guilty to all the charges.  He will be sentenced May 21st, and his smoke and mirror show that has fooled the good people of earth for so long, will finally be brought to an end.  We can only hope that his cell mate in prison will give Mr. Pearlman the sentence he deserves most of all.

Sorry I’ve been gone folks, but the end of February was a slow time for music news. However, March has been rolling in like a lion, and I am now almost drowning in pieces of music news that piss me off royally, and make no god damn sense at all.

First off, when Madonna is inducted into the Rock and Roll hall of fame later this year, she will not perform herself. Instead, she has opted to have another band cover some of her songs for the concert. So who has the material girl picked to perform some of her immortal hits? Surely some female vocalist with the chops and history to do them justice, someone like Debbie Harry from Blondie, or Chrissie Hynde of the Pretenders. Or maybe some newer artist, in order to bring a fresh flavor to the songs everyone had heard for so long, like Christina Agularia, or maybe Beyonce.

But no, no one even close has been chosen. Not even anyone female. So what man would have the cahones to perform the best of Madonna’s catalogue for her hall of fame induction? Iggy Pop. Would someone please explain to me the thought process that goes into picking Iggy Pop and the Stooges to perform Madonna songs. I fear to think what kind of acts Mr. Pop will perform during his rendition of “Like A Virgin”.

In more “What the Fuck” news, lead singer for Nickelback Chad Kroeger, has been arrested in his native Canidia for driving under the influence. Now while that is hilarious, and perhaps some small justice for the terrible music he has been unleashing upon North America the past several years, it is not the best part. When the press got a hold of the police report, they reported that Chad actually changed his name to Kroeger. His real name is Chad Robert Turton. Now I can totally understand changing your name from something not very rock-sounding like Turton. However, I want to know why the hell he decided on something gay sounding like Kroeger. Kroeger sounds like some kind of disease people get when they leave their nuts outside of their pants during a blizzard.

“Dude, I totally shouldn’t have walked to my car drunk last night. I forgot to zip up my pants, and now I’ve got the worst case of Kroeger’s you’ve ever seen.”

That definition seems to fit, since his music sounds like balls anyway. Perhaps this will keep Chad away from music for a while. We don’t need any more pseudo-rock bands producing crappy pop music designed to be listened to on light FM stations by menopausal women trying to recapture their “glory days”. The Goo Goo Dolls pretty much cornered that market 5 years ago.

And finally, in a segment I like to call “I can’t believe this shit is actually fucking happening”, two pieces of news related to Fall Out Boy. Bassist Pete Wentz continues on his quest to perpetually ignore getting over a relationship that ended over five years ago, by making the rest of the world suffer. He has declared he will be opening his own unisex Beauty Salon in Chicago early this April. I believe that the supreme court should come down on his women’s jeans-wearing ass, and stop this emo-cancer from being spread even further. Almost every 11-16 year old white kid in America already looks like him, why doesn’t he just buy out Hot Topic and be fucking done with it. But now he opens up the doors for older women to be transformed into social vampires as well.

And just when you thought it was bad, it just gets worse. Fall Out Boy has decided to re-record Michael Jackson’s “Beat It”, with John Mayer performing the guitar solo.  Not since Lando Calrissian let Darth Vader into Cloud City has a partnership produced such evil results.  I mean, the song is a classic, so LEAVE IT THE FUCK ALONE!  Go ahead, record covers of bad 80’s one hit wonders.  Nobody cares if there’s another version of “Walking On Sunshine” out there (which, by the way would be funny as hell to have an emo band record that song.  I’m not sure they would even be able to sing the lyrics because of the optimism.)  So for god’s sakes, leave the good songs alone, unless you can bring something new to the table.

Which means that Fall Out Boy can’t do anything that Michael Jackson couldn’t do, and John Mayer certainly can’t do anything that Eddie Van Halen couldn’t do when he recorded the original guitar solo for the Jackson version.  And how did these two parties meet up anyway?  Were they both at MTV sucking the same executive’s cock, and they decided it would be great to release music together that sucked cock too?  I don’t know if this is a stunt by Mayer to try and get himself known to a younger crowd, since he hasn’t been doing as well on the pop charts as when he first came out, but it’s the wrong move.  It’s almost the same as if he put on a wig and got slapped around in a Lifetime original movie to try and appeal to women more.

So take my advice and avoid the single when it’s released like it’s a bad case of Kroeger’s.

This is just a whole new level of sad. While the U.S. weeps over the Britney expose in Rolling Stone, trying to assure the rest of the world “No, we’re really not all like that,” the U.K. is trying to do the exact same thing. Only instead of Britney, they call her Amy.

It has been reported that Amy Winehouse has been given leave of her rehab treatment in order to perform at a Brittish awards ceremony. Because she is “too sick” to battle her withdraw symptoms alone, she is being perscribed methadone, a drug commonly used to help recovering heroin addicts.

So the only difference between this upcoming performance, and her previous ones? This time, she’s LEGALLY medicated.

But honestly, what is the world coming too? Poor Britney has apparently hit rock bottom in less then a decade, Lindsay Lohan took less than 5 years to spiral downwards into darkness. But now comes Amy Winehouse, who has apparently made the trip in the past two years since she has gained major recognicition.

What the hell is next? Are we going to see pop starlets smoking up on the cover of their debut albums? Are record companies going to be searching drug rehablitation centers, looking for the next big superstar/addict?

Seriously, this has got to stop. It is a never ending cycle that will only bring pain and sadness to those caught in it’s grasp. Following Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie on their newest round of foreign kid adoptions is one thing, hounding a celebrity with constant media attention while they are trying to kick some terrible substance problem is a different thing all together.

Seriously, can’t people realize that drugs are a problem, and go back to having promiscious sex as a way to cope with their issues? Or take up some crazy addiction that at least is fun, like cow tipping, or only eating green M&M’s.

By the way, I saw this awesome post today, and was laughing out loud, so I feel obliged to share it with you. Please enjoy the 50 worst band names of all time: http://progressiveboink.com/archive/worstbandnames.html

So it’s been a slow week for music news, apart from the Grammy’s last night.  It wasn’t until after finishing my last blog that I realized that I had missed the entire show.  Well, I wouldn’t say I “missed” them, it’s more like “failed to watch” them.  So here’s a bit of news from the Grammy’s, and a few other short tid-bits I found as well.

First, I would like to point out that I got 7 out of my original 10 Grammy predictions correct.  Go me.

 If you didn’t watch the Grammy’s, apparently you didn’t miss much.  I read it was esentially 3 and a half hours of crap, with a couple good performances.  I was able to get the most out of my experience of not watching by simply reading the winners from the Grammy website, and catching the few good performances on youtube.  Thank you interwebs, again you save me from hours of boredom.

The Foo Fighters performed well, except for the fact that the sound technician apparently forgot that Dave Grohl’s guitar is an integral part of the song they performed, because it wasn’t in the mix.  But don’t worry sound dude, the xylophone came through the mix sharp as can be, and god forbid if I couldn’t hear that awesome xylophone solo back behind the 20 piece orchestra that was playing with them.

Asshole.

Plus, there was a pretty awesome performance by Daft Punk, complete with their uber-pyramid of technopower.  When the world is ruled by robots, Daft Punk will be our supreme overlords, and we will all come to honor and respect the pyramid.  The song was great, the red flames shooting everywhere was cool, and um, oh yeah, Kanye West was there too, ruining the song by rapping over it.  His glasses and jacket were cool however, and fit in with the robo-techno scheme.  I don’t remember any African Americans in “Tron” though.

In kinda Grammy related news, Producer of the Year recipient Mark Ronson talked to Rolling Stone about his upcoming second album with Best New Artist winner Amy “Life Imitates Art” Winehouse.

“We’re talking about making a holiday record, with Christmas songs on one side and Hanukkah songs on the other.”  Ronson said.  “She has one song called “Kosher Kisses.”

I swear, I didn’t make that up.

But anyway, if you have a friend or loved one who celebrates either the Christian or Jewish holidays, and they enjoy retro-styled music with vocals by a disenchanted songbird too druged up to be tangable, you’ll know exactly what to get them come December.

In “more crap we don’t want” news, Avril Lavigne is planning a new tour to help support her latest piece of pop drivel.  And this time, she’s stepping it up a notch.  She has told reporters that she will be doing a stage show more like Gwen Stefani and Christina Aguilera, taking several breaks for costume changes, and including backup dancers on several numbers.  However, she reminds us that she will still keep her “badass self” a part of the show.  “I’m covering [Joan Jett’s] ‘Bad Reputation,’” she says. “While I’m singing the track, there will be a montage of videos of me with a cigarette, flipping the bird.”

Yes Avril, because cigarettes are badass, and because Joan Jett needed costume changes and backup dancers on her tours too.

Sometimes, I think we need to monitor the Canadian border a little more closely.

And finally, to close up, a short quote from MTV.com, to show just how out of touch MTV has gotten.  On their Grammy coverage page, in big, bold, blue letters the following quote:

“Who is that Herbie guy? ‘Ye or Amy deserved to get that award.”

Thank you MTV.  I couldn’t have summed it up better myself.

Ok, I’m sick of this shit.  Enough is ENOUGH!

I’m tired of heading through town, trying to listen to some tunes while I drive, and suddenly some jerk pulls up behind me, and the bass from his Jay-Z song is drowning out my music.  And who’s behind the wheel of the car?  Whitey McCracker, that’s who. 

No more white kids acting black!  It’s been done to death, and nobody likes you because of it.

If you grew up in the subburbs, and watched Barney growing up, then no ammount of listening to Nas and dressing up like you just flew in from Compton will change that.  Further more, it won’t gain you the respect of anyone other then the rest of the white kids trying to act black.  It just makes you look stupid, like the fucking sheep you are.  Hell, I’m supprised Eminem didn’t do a “Mary Had A Little Lamb” remix.  It would have been all too appropriate.

Respect your own culture, and the cultures of others.  We enslaved an entire race of people.  We built our country on their backs.  And what happened?  We took all their cool stuff and made it ours.  Blues, Jazz, Rock and Roll: invented by African Americans, taken over by White people.  Now are we taking Rap away from them too?  Let them be.  Let them have their own form of expression.  They haven’t done anything to us.  In the entire history of Country Music, the first big African American star has only been recently, and I doubt that Cowboy Troy is enciting a whole generation of Blacks to dress up in ten gallon hats and blast Garth Brooks from their mud-soaked Toyota 4×4’s.

 Of course, someone’s gonna bring up Eminem.  “Oh, but Eminem acts black, why is it ok for him?”  It’s ok for him because he was born into that life.  He didn’t have the single family home with the tree fort in the back yard.  He grew up poor, and in the city, and most of the people he grew up with were African Americans.  It’s ok for him, because that’s his actual life.  But if you’re name is Johnny, and your mommy read you bedtime stories everynight about Thomas the Tank Engine, and now you’re trying to act like you are from the hood, then it’s not ok for you.  Eminem is far blacker then you will ever be.

 Now I’m not saying that you can’t listen to the music.  You have the right to listen to whatever makes you happy.  But please, stop the rest of the “thug” act.  Dress normally, speak normally, act normally.  People will actually start to take you seriously in life!  Just look at Vanilla Ice.  He dropped out of the game, went back to his real name, realized that he should be making rock music, got a bunch of tatoos, and now look at him.  He’s got a regular job, a wife and a kid, and he’s happy.  So do everyone a favor, and drop the act.

 And for god sakes, keep the bass down, unless you’re listening to something approprate.  If you want to listen to good White-guy music, but still have a good bass line, then may I suggest getting a couple albums from the band Cake.  You can crank up their tunes all the way, and not be afraid of getting shot driving around town.  Plus, some of their bass lines are better then anything that’s come out of hip-hop the past few years.

 Where I went to high school, some kids would act ghetto during the day, and then go home to their multi-million dollar homes on 20 acres of land, and decide which game system they should play on their 40inch tv screen.  And that shows a huge lack of respect for not only who you’re trying to be, but who you’re trying to avoid being as well.

So was it just me, or was the halftime show a little saggy this year? And I don’t just mean the Heartbreaker’s wrinkles either.

Now I am a big fan of Mr. Petty, but I’m not sure he looked himself in the mirror this morning, and realized that he was not ready to be on stage. Or listened to himself at soundcheck today either.

Now 1970’s or 1980’s Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers would have been one hell of a halftime show, but 2008 Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers? Not so much. They made the rolling stones look agile and sound young, which is no small task being that Keith Richards and Mick Jagger are 7 years older then Petty.

I’m sorry, but Tom just doesn’t have the same voice he had some years ago. It sounded like he was ready to throw in the towel, and his vocals lacked excitment. Plus the Jesus-beard paired with the nice dress-up clothes really didn’t fit. Poor Tom looked like they dragged him away from his banjo and cabin in the woods, attacked him with a hair straightner, and put him in some weird 1950’s-era brittish mod clothing.

And the Heartbreakers? If you can call them that. It looked like there were only two, maybe three of the original members there, so I don’t know if you can exactly call them the Heartbreakers? If Paul McCartney got back together with Ringo Starr, and two other guys, you could hardly call them The Beatles.

And what was with the dude on lead guitar sporting dreadlocks, who was clearly too old and white to be sporting dreadlocks?

Plus, while the song choices were great, all hits that everyone could sing along to and feel good about, there was one thing wrong with the set list: Out of the four songs they played, three of them came from Petty’s 1985 SOLO ALBUM! How do you play a show with your band that has been backing you up for years, and 75% of the set list are songs you recorded without them? Now I understand putting them into a full length concert, to round out the setlist, but that was a little absurd.

Plus, I really wanted to hear “Refugee”.

However, I must admit, I enjoyed it. And I must remember, it could always get worse. They could give controll of the halftime show back to MTV, and they could ruin music in amercia even more so then they already have.

One final note, regarding a Bridgestone tire commercial. Alice cooper appeared in it, in a brief cameo, in his full stage makeup, standing in the middle of a back mountain highway in the dead of night. WTF?!?!?!?!? What the hell does that mean? And why Alice Cooper? Does he need the money that badly? He looked like some racoon-man experiment gone awry, and he stared creepily into the camera for a brief second, with this frightened gaze that weirded me out.

I guess I know what will be haunting my dreams tonight: The Alice Racooper monster, and a giant Tom Petty head with a jesus beard superimposed over that weird circular green and purple cloud of lost souls.

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while, but i’ve been gearing up for my big Grammy blog. The grammy nominations have recently been announced, and it’s time for me to take responsibility as a music blogger, and tell the academy just where they screwed up. I’m going to give you the nominees, who will probably win, who should win out of the nominees, and who should win that probably wasn’t even considered from most of the major and important categories. I’m going to avoid categories I have no business being in, like all of the R&B, Hip Hop, Country, Rap, and most of the awards that don’t get televised.

First of all, this year’s nominations, along with most other years, show that once again, people that vote for this stuff are about as connected to the current music scene as Brittney is connected to reality these days. There are some nominations that don’t make sense, people in categories they don’t belong in, and generaly a sense that there are far too many old people on the damn comittee.

Best Short Form Music Video:
God’s Gonna Cut You Down-Johnny Cash
1234-Feist
Gone Daddy Gone-Gnarls Barkley
D.A.N.C.E.-Justice
Typical-Mute Math

Who will win: Feist. It’s a good video, but kinda dated. It’s very “Bugsby-Berkley”, “Hey look, I’m doing a giant musical dance number.” And it just doesn’t quite fit the more intimate nature of the song. But Grammy voters seem to love classics, so i’m sure this one will win.

Who should win: Justice “D.A.N.C.E.”. The video has a great concept, done simply, and executed flawlessly. You can watch it over and over, and still be impressed. Mute Math and Gnarls Barkley both had strong videos as well.

Who got overlooked: It was kind of a poor year for videos. What with the music business going down the tubes, they’re far less likely to green light expensive video shoots. So less videos being financed means less chances of good ones being made. Not like videos get played on MTV or VH1 anymore anyway, so it’s not like we’re likely to notice.

WTF?: Johnny Cash made a music video this year? Shennanigns! I hear Johnny Cash is gonna be the new Hendrix and 2-Pac. He’ll be releasing new material they “found” for the next decade or more.

Best Alternative Music Album (Vocal or Instrumental.):
Alright, Still…-Lily Allen
Neon Bible-Arcade Fire
Volta-Bjork
Wincing The Night Away-The Shins
Icky Thump-The White Stripes

Who will win:
Arcade Fire or The Shins, mostly because they were the critics darlings this past year.

Who should win:
The White Stripes, hands down. No one else has owned “Alternative” like Jack White.

Who got overlooked: The Hives! God bless the fucking Hives. In a world owned by post-hardcore bullshit and emo whiney-asses, The Hives had the balls to put out one of the most solid albums of the year, and of their carreer as well. If you don’t own “The Black and White Album”, then get it!

WTF?: Lilly Allen is alternative? News to me. I was under the asumption that she was a brit-pop import. Reality:1, Grammy’s:0.

Best Rock Album (Vocal or Instrumental. Includes Hard Rock and Metal.):
Daughtry-Daughtry
Revival-John Fogerty
Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace-Foo Fighters
Magic-Bruce Springsteen
Sky Blue Sky-Wilco

Who will win: I’ve got my money on one of the two old men. (That would be Fogerty and Springsteen for those of you not keeping score).

Who should win: Foo Fighters, becuase they made the only REAL rock album that was fucking nominated!

Who got overlooked: So you’re telling me that in today’s musical landscape, in a world full of hardcore, post-hardcore, grindcore, death metal, nu-metal, etc.. that the academy couldn’t find ONE worthy metal album? There were solid albums put out by Saliva, Nine Inch Nails, Linkin Park, The Fratellis, The Bravery, My Chemical Romance, and the Artic Monkeys but there’s no mention of any of those albums.

WTF?: Everyone in this category except the Foo Fighters! Springsteen and Fogherty might have written what could be considered “rock” albums if we use the 1960’s definition of “rock”. Today, however, they are more folk rock then really anything nowadays. That’s not to say their albums weren’t good, just not rock. Daughtry, despite his best efforts, is still pop. No one can escape the American Idol machine, and not make pop records. And Wilco? Alternative, maybe. Rock? Sorry, no dice. Reality:5, Grammy’s:0.

Best Rock Song:
Come On-Lucinda Williams
Icky Thump-The White Stripes
It’s Not Over-Daughtry
The Pretender-FooFighters
Radio Nowhere-Bruce Springsteen

Who will win: The Foos had a better chance here then last category, but i’m still gonna go with the old man here too.

Who should win: Foo Fighters. Icky Thump was good, but The Pretender was better.

Who got overlooked: See Above.

WTF?: Lucinda Williams???? Best Rock Song???? Epic Failure. Reality:6, Grammy’s: -1.

Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals :
It’s Not Over-Daughtry
Working Class Hero-Green Day
If Everyone Cared-Nickelback
Instant Karma-U2
Icky Thump-The White Stripes

Who will win: Probably U2, because they’re U2.

Who Should win: The White Stripes. Green Day’s cover of the Lennon classic lacked enthusasium.

Who got overlooked: The Hives. “Tick Tick Boom” is 3 and a half minutes of take no prisioners rock, that is tight and well produced as well. Incubus’s “Anna Molley” saw the group come out of their new record very strong, despite the rest of the album needing some work.

WTF?: Ok, again with the Daughtry being included in a Rock category. But Nickleback? Puh-lease. Anyone that’s listened to them over the past two years knows that they are no longer a “Rock” band. They’ve been following the Goo Goo Doll’s path to fame and fortune ever since they put out “Photograph”. I’m gonna stop counting score now, because it’s getting pathetic.

Best Solo Rock Vocal Performance:
Timebomb-Beck
Only Mama Knows-Paul McCartney
Our Country-John Mellencamp
Radio Nowhere-Bruce Springsteen
Come On-Lucinda Williams

Who will win: McCartney. His album was good, but again, not exactly what I’d call rock.

Who should win: Beck. Timebomb is amazing. I dare you to listen to it once, and have it not get stuck in your head. If his next album sounds like that track, then Beck will be back at the top of his game.

Who got overlooked: Nobody. Rock isn’t really a solo sport.

WTF?: Immediate disqualification of John Mellencamp. First, that song was DEFINATELY a folk song, and second, it was used in a Chevy Truck campaign. For shame Mellencamp, for shame.

Best New Artist:
Feist
Ledisi
Paramore
Taylor Swift
Amy Winehouse

Who will win: Taylor Swift or Ledisi, because I haven’t heard of them, and the damn academy loves to pick people they don’t know.

Who should win: Amy Winehouse. For as much of a tabloid whore she’s become in the past year or so, her sound was unique and cool.

Who got overlooked: The Fratellis. This band put out one of the best debuts i’ve ever heard. It’s full of non-stop rock goodness, with extremely well crafted and performed material. Go pick up “Costello Music” right now while you’re out getting the album from The Hives. Thank me later.

WTF?: Paramore? C’mon, just cause it’s an emo band fronted by a chick, doesn’t mean they deserve a best new artist nod. They’re not anything that hasn’t been hear a million times over from other bands the past few years.

Song Of The Year:
Before He Cheats-Josh Kear & Chris Tompkins, songwriters (Carrie Underwood)
Hey There Delilah-Tom Higgenson, songwriter (Plain White T’s)
Like A Star-Corinne Bailey Rae, songwriter (Corinne Bailey Rae)
Rehab-Amy Winehouse, songwriter (Amy Winehouse)
Umbrella-Shawn Carter, Kuk Harrell, Terius “Dream” Nash & Christopher Stewart,songwriters (Rihanna Featuring Jay-Z)

Who will win: Either “Before He Cheats” or “Like A Star”. They appeal to the “Don’t rock the boat” nature of the academy. God forbid that they choose something that might be different and good at the same damn time.

Who should win: “Rehab” or “Hey There Delilah”. Both are well crafted, and cut through the radio landscape to make themselves stand out.

Who got overlooked: “Angelina” by The Bravery. It’s one of the cleanest, well written songs I’ve heard in a long time. From start to finish it’s amazing.

WTF?: Umbrella? Someone “wrote” that crap? What? It took FOUR PEOPLE to write that crap? That is disturbing.

Album Of The Year:
Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace-Foo Fighters
These Days-Vince Gill
River: The Joni Letters-Herbie Hancock
Graduation-Kanye West
Back To Black-Amy Winehouse

Who will win: Either Amy Winehouse or Kanye. Winehouse becuase she actually had the chops, and the producers to pull off such a good album, or Kanye because of all the hype.

Who should win: Winehouse or Foo Fighters. Dave Grohl did something I don’t think anyone in any band has ever done before: make a greatest hits album of their band’s career with completely new songs. That takes balls.

Who got overlooked: Again, The Hives, and The Fratellis. Both albums were virtually flawless, but no one seems to care.

WTF?: Vince Gill and Herbie Hancock? Talk about out of left field.

And Last, but not least…
Record Of The Year :
Irreplaceable-Beyoncé
The Pretender-Foo Fighters
Umbrella-Rihanna Featuring Jay-Z
What Goes Around…Comes Around-Justin Timberlake
Rehab-Amy Winehouse

Who will win: Justin Timberlake, because he signed the deal with satan, so it’s in his contract.

Who should win: Amy Winehouse. Her back up band, The Dap Kings, and her producer Mark Ronson actually deserve most of the credit for making the track as good as it was. If it was up to her, it would have been just a bunch of drunken ramblings over old Sinatra records.

Who got overlooked: Sure, the White Stripes were up for almost everything else, but they don’t get nominated for any of the “big boy” awards.

WTF?: Umbrella? Really? I wish that song would just die. I’ve had enough of that song for the rest of my fucking life.

So there you have it folks. It was long, it was painfull, but not nearly as painfull as the actual telecast promises to be. Tune in and see just how bad my predicitions were!

It has been officially announced that Disney has finished contracts and will soon be starting production on “High School Musical 3″. In reaction to this news, suicide rates skyrocket across the nation, as parents take their own lives before being forced to listen to and watch any more of the series. One parent said “I had to sit through the first one 59 times, and that was ok. I figured it was a one time thing. Then Disney made the live concert DVD, which was 82 times, and then the touring musical which I had to pay for three times, and the second movie which was 103 times, not to mention that I have 7 copies of each soundtrack, one for every CD player in the house, and our car. I’d rather kill myself then sit through any more of that shit. Fuck you Mickey Mouse.”

But seriously, they’re making a “High School Musical 3″. And the worst part is, it’s going to be in theatres. Isn’t there some constitutional amendment against cruel and unusual punishment?

Seriously, this is absolute schlock that is being fed ad-nauseum to an entire generation of kids, and everyone else is just fed up with it. It’s horrible. Plus it’s giving young kids an unrealistic view of high school life. They’re going to wonder when they fit their huge dance number in between calculus and lunch.

However the story goes deeper. The original soundtrack to High School Musical was the best selling album of 2006. What does that say for the failing music industry when the biggest album of the year contains songs about love in biology class, trying out for the drama club and basketball?

I mean 2006 had albums released by huge acts like The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Beyonce, Madonna, Shakira, Jay-Z, The Killers, and “Weird Al” Yankovic. But who wound up on top? A bunch of unknown brats from a stupid Mickey Mouse musical. That is grave news for big name record companies. So if you happen to own stock in any, now would be a good time to sell.

The question is, where are these kids getting the money to buy the albums. Is Monopoly money legal tender now? Of course not, Mommy and Daddy are forgoing buying albums from their favorite artists to give little Jimmy and Sarah exactly what they want.

This spells disaster for the music world, because like in everything else, the industry is going to try and follow the trend and capitalize on what is hot. Hence, artists like The Jonas Brothers, and the Viacom-backed Naked Brothers Band, and the fucking Cheetah Girls popping up with albums. All the while, decent, hardworking bands are ignored in place of this little kiddie shit. Pretty soon, the market will be overflowing with the kiddie acts, and it will come to over saturation, and we’ll all die of de-hydration from all the puking we’ll be doing from dealing with this deluge of crappy music.

Plus, these kiddie acts have no longevity. What happens when the kid stars grow up, and their fans grow up as well. The kid stars will try and make “serious” records, and their former fans will give up on them when they realize just how crappy it all was in the first place. Think I’m lying? Remember Hanson? Ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, I rest my case.

The bad thing is, High School Musical 1 and 2 were confined to the Disney Channel, DVD, and various concert halls across the nation. But now the third instalment is going to be on the big screen, at a time when movie studios are starting to find themselves in a situation like the music industry: increased production, decreased profits. So if High School Musical did in theatres what it did on CD, then we could have two major forms of entertainment, both movies and music, producing content mainly to lure teenagers and kids.

So, I advise you all to start building your entertainment bunkers right now. Stock up on canned food, bottled water, flashlights, batteries, Kevin Smith movies, episodes of Scrubs, and Zeppelin albums. It could be a long, dark, horrifying future of entertainment ahead of us.

Word has come down the pipeline that Clay Aiken, American Idol runner up, closet homosexual and horrible singer, in that order; will be joining the cast of “Monty Python’s Spamalot” on Broadway this week.

WHAT?!?! Are we talking about the same Clay Aiken? The only man so gay, he didn’t have to announce it?

First off, I understand wanting to keep all the whiny, girly men who can sing, on Broadway. That way, we know where they all are. But Spamalot was kind of the anti-musical. It was born of legendary roots, and sacrificed little of it’s original brilliance on it’s way to becoming a musical. In fact, it manages to make fun of not only itself, but the entire genre of musicals during the show. So in order to keep in the spirit of the show, people performing in it should at least have some semblance of a sense of humor.

The original cast featured not only original Python member Eric Idle, but also funnymen David Hyde Pierce (who has recently come out of the closet. I have nothing against gay people mind you, i just think they need to admit it, Mr. Aiken.), and Tim Curry. These people are known not exactly for their singing, but for their comedy. I cannot say the same for Clay.

Now I thought that was bad news, but it gets worse. Apparently, Aiken told Newsweek “I thought Monty Python was a person until three months ago,” and that “The first time I saw it I thought it was the stupidest thing I’d ever seen in my entire life.”

Why in the hell would you sign up for a project that you have no idea about, and no appreciation for? And then why would you tell people about it?

I wonder if this is just a stunt to get him back in the public eye after his first album didn’t fair too well, and he has lacked a follow-up record to date. Either way, poor choice on his manager’s part.

Put him in something classic, like Chicago, or Cats. I can see him enjoying cats a little too much though.

Anyway, this reminds me of that stupid incident from a couple years ago, when Avril Lavine was asked who the Sex Pistols were, and couldn’t answer. If you’re gonna play the part, then know the background and appreciate it. Otherwise, go back to what you’re used to.

And Clay, for the record, we all know. Just admit it. We don’t care. In fact, we’d be happier for you, and it would lift a hell of a burden off your shoulder. I hear Lance Bass is available.

Besides, there can’t be much room for you in the closet between Tom Cruise and Oprah.

So this week, U2 finally debuted their second feature film, approprately entitled “U2 3D”.

Really, is THIS what we need right now? A concert of middle-aged rockstars popping off the movie theatre screen right into our laps? Is Bono going to ask me if I want to donate my bag of popcorn to starving kids in Africa?

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of U2. Not every band is able to stay as culturely relevant over the span of a quarter-century, as they have. They have continued to write catchy, well-crafted and enjoyable pop-rock tunes since their first landmark album in the 80’s. They are all extremely talented musicians in their own right, not to mention Bono’s extensive charity work.

Now just like every big name band, they’ve had some marketing mis-haps. They could have done without the Tomb Raider movie tie-in from the “Elevation” single (although I am ALWAYS pro-Angelina Jolie). And the apple/ipod promotions were just too much. Not only was I having the song “Vertigo” shoved down my throat by almost every radio station on earth, but my TV wasn’t safe either, because the damn commerical that it was in came on once every 3 minutes.

But all that is really forgivable. But a 3D movie? Are you out of your Dublin-lovin’ minds? What kind of ego does it take for a band to think “Hey, we want to do a SECOND movie, but this time, we don’t want to be confined by the conventions of regular movies. We want people to not see us 15 feet tall, but we want them to think we’re popping out of the screen at them. Plus we want everyone to be wearing stupid looking glasses.”

At least they’re really the first band to do this. There could be worse.

“Dude, I’m totally going to see The Rolling Stones in 3D. I heard Keith Richards and his I.V. bag pop right out of the screen at you.”

Now, I don’t know if I may have to take back my words in the future. I may very well end up seeing U2 3D in the theatre, and who knows, maybe I’ll like it. But for now it seems like a stupid, stupid idea.

Now the Pussycat Dolls in 3D, there’s a movie that needs to be green lit. Six sets of giant cleavage jumping off the screen, right at me? Where do I sign up for that?